In the months following the untimely death of beloved dancer and television personality Stephen “tWitch” Boss in December 2022, his widow, Allison Holker, has been candidly sharing insights into the challenges he faced.
In This Far Holker reveals the personal struggles that Boss had to hide from his public image while telling their life story.
Holker reveals in her narrative that Boss suffered greatly after The Ellen DeGeneres Show ended in 2022 despite his major role on the program.
His daily life structure from ten years changed when the show ended.
Credit: (Instagram/@sir_twitch_alot)
“He was never the same after that,” Holker reflects, noting that the absence of this routine led to increased periods of isolation, during which Boss’s thoughts often spiraled into anxiety and depression.
The major shift in his daily schedule created identity and goal problems since his career structure vanished.
Boss sought relief from his emotional suffering by joining an ayahuasca ceremony which represents a typical South American healing ritual through herbal consumption.
His motivation was to use the ceremony to handle fatherhood difficulties and heal the mistreatment he felt throughout his life.
According to Holker the journey failed to meet its goals and caused psychological changes in her subject.
“Instead of sticking it out, he decided to cut the trip short,” she writes, suggesting that this premature conclusion left him feeling more vulnerable.
According to her my ayahuasca therapy can trigger mental health deterioration in people who already have disorders unless medical guidance exists.
“It can bring those issues to a boil,” she explains, emphasizing how the absence of professional oversight can lead to devastating results.
After the intake Holker found Boss behaving worse than before and noticed these changes developing over time.
He reacted badly to people while sleeping poorly and losing weight along with total loss of energy.
Credit: (Instagram/@sir_twitch_alot)
He refused to engage with things that used to bring him delight indicating an awareness of his severity of depression.
During their first interactions Holker wanted Boss to take care of his basic needs like taking showers even though she thought it was only caused by fatigued state.
Afterward she identified these as essential signs of depression yet disregarded them during that time.
“Now I know that neglecting self-care is another classic sign of depression,” she reflects, expressing regret over not realizing the severity of his distress earlier.
After Boss died Holker searched through his personal items to learn what made him suffer.
The shoe box revealed different drugs such as mushrooms and pills which she needed to research the names of.
This discovery was a “really scary moment” for her, as it revealed the extent of Boss’s concealed struggles and his efforts to self-medicate.
The journals showed her multiple instances of s3xual abuse Boss faced as a child.
The revealed secrets showcased Boss’s unbearable personal fights that made him hold his pain to himself to protect everyone else.
Holker uncovered Boss’s final internet search before discovering it led to his desperate cry for help.
Boss searched online for suicide hotline numbers during the months leading up to his death because he had already decided long before to take his life.
Holker discovered there was no record of his contact with the suicide hotline services but knowing he had reached out for assistance only to remain in secrecy left a deep impact on her.
She realizes that Boss must have experienced deep shame since he tried to find the number.
Regarding mental health discussions Holker hopes to establish an open environment where people may talk about their needs and find support. This approach draws split reactions from people.
Most of Boss’s close connections do not agree with the story’s deep revelations since they learned about them unexpectedly.
Holker stays committed to helping others who experience mental health crises by using their family’s experience.
Her book reveals Boss’s hidden fights for survival through deeply intense scenes confirming that happy people often face their greatest challenges.
Through her sorrow Holker wants everyone to remember Boss by sharing how mental health needs attention plus how support systems can help those who need it.
Feature Image Credit: (Instagram/ @sir_twitch_alot)( Instagram/ @allisonholker)